Dr. visit

So we visited the doctor yesterday – unfortunately DH’s semen analysis results weren’t back yet, so it wasn’t that helpful. My hemoglobin levels are apparently normal, so I can stop iron supplementation. The Dr said that after having an ultrasound next week to check follicle development and as a follow-up after my lap, my best chance of success would probably be IVF. However, he also said it might still be possible to conceive naturally. Apparently they do IVF here but I am far from convinced that it is for me AND that I would trust the system here not to mess things up. I’ve read that stimulation drugs can really cause endometriosis to flare up – just not sure it’s worth it. In Canada they have alternative protocols to try to avoid this but in Africa? somehow I doubt it but I could be wrong. Does anyone know more about this?
I can’t really accept that IVF might be my only chance to conceive. But I guess I don’t have to quite yet. I’m on my 10th cycle post-lap; I’ll wait just a little longer.
In cycle news – I’m near the end of my second cycle taking Vitex; I’ve noticed bbs are much less tender during the luteal phase; other than that, I haven’t noticed any difference. I am hoping that Vitex will help my cycles to be a bit longer (i.e. later ovulation, currently around CD 10 or 11 most months). I’ll keep taking it for a few more months.
A friend has offered to carry some vitamins and supplements back to Africa with him next month – I have to get busy ordering these online so he’ll have them on time. Here, it is hard to even find a decent multivitamin, and pharmacies DOWNTOWN don’t seem to know what Vitamin B is. Unbelievable but true.

PMS!

The last two days I have really struggled with PMS irritability and anxiety. Heavy breathing, crankiness, ugh. I am so glad to feel better today. On bad days like that I feel that I’m being held hostage by my own hormones. Lying flat on my back and doing deep breathing/meditation for about 20 minutes helped – but it felt like the tight, anxious feeling in my chest was just coming and going with no predictability. And it’s only 7 dpo today! I’m trying to remind myself that there are other reasons why I might feel anxious these days, including a big transition at work, a lot of work-related fatigue, and lots of thoughts about adoption etc. So I’m trying hard to keep upbeat and positive, but it’s not always easy.

A new direction

I totally lost track of this blog due to our move to Africa. We’ve now been here five months already. Let me backtrack a little to catch up with fertility-related stuff.
The laparoscopy in November went fine. The surgeon removed all the endo; he found deep brown bleeding lesions (TCM terminology) on the connector thing (sorry don’t know the term) between the ovaries and uterus (not fallopian tube) and on the right ovary. He drained and coagulated the cyst. Recovery went fairly well – the first couple of days I felt like I was recovering really fast but then I kind of plateaued for a couple of weeks, able to walk around but easily running out of energy for work. It didn’t help that we had to move out of our apartment during this time. I’d say it took four weeks before I felt totally normal (i.e. going cross-country skiing with no problem).
My first period was only a couple of days after the surgery, and I felt no pain, which was totally unreal. This was first time in my life that I can remember not having pain during AF! That month, we really gave it everything we could. I started acupuncture and TCM herbs, which was really interesting, and I ate SUPER healthy. My acupuncturist diagnosed me with Spleen Qi deficiency, general Kidney deficiency, Blood Stagnation and Cold Uterus. In Western terms, she was worried about my slightly elevated FSH (9.1). I stopped eating cold food and added more protein (meat) since she said that for my constitution, despite the endo/Blood Stagnation, I really needed to warm myself and get more nourishment from meat. We BD’d every day from day 10 to 15. The acupuncturist thought we might have overdone it. She thinks since DH’s sperm is on the low side, it would have been better to do it every other day. That month, we also used ovulation tests, though they were a bit of a waste of money IMO (I have charted so long, I know exactly when I ovulate, and the tests just confirmed that I was right). Regardless, we did not get pregnant. Also, I had a lot of pain with my next AF. I was SO disappointed and angry with my body for letting me down. It was Christmas day when AF started, go figure…
The following months, I continued to take TCM herbs. We also traveled a lot, and eventually settled in Africa (in a large, busy and polluted city). The first month after we arrived, I noticed that my cycle shortened from 27-28 days to 24-25 days. I think I might have tipped over into Excess Heat (TCM again), but I’m not sure what to do about it. Now I ovulate on CD 11 instead of CD 13-14. It is frustrating because I don’t think such early ovulation can be helpful – something about the follicle not having enough time to mature.
Over the last months, I have started to feel more and more disappointed and sad each time another cycle ends. To the point where I think I might try to find a therapist (not an easy thing in this city). I have run out of TCM herbs, but am taking Vitex – I haven’t noticed any difference with the Vitex except that my bbs are not at all sore before AF, and I have no O pain anymore (I used to). But O is still on CD 10-11, and PMS is still awful.
So that’s my update. I am nearing the 9th cycle after surgery – apparently 75% of those who get pregnant after a lap for endo do so in the first 9-12 months after surgery. So I’m starting to feel like it actually might not happen. How does one come to grips with something like this?
Today, DH and I are having a “retreat” together – we just got back from a long work trip (we share a job) and I felt so tired, I just couldn’t face work for a few days. One thing we talked about is adoption – he is now at the point where he would like to pursue having a child – either naturally or through adoption. This feels really big to me. I feel a lot less hopeless knowing that he is now fully on this journey with me. We will eventually have a child one way or another.

One other thing that has happened is that I went to visit a Dr. here – he is a leading gynecologist in this city and he was clearly knowledgeable about the kind of issues I was facing. He offered to give me an U/S right around ovulation so he could track how my follicles were maturing – and DH will also get a new SA. It felt good having at least one medical professional who might be able to do something, though I’m trying not to get my hopes up (the options here are pretty limited in general, I don’t even know if they can do an IUI, although apparently he can do a HSG).

CD 7; herbs; upcoming lap

Unfortunately no pregnancy to report. I did make it to 14 dpo without a temp drop though, which is better than the last five months. 14 days used to be my normal LP, so hopefully the vitex that I took for 1.5 months has had a hand in that.

This month, we’re officially not trying, because my laparoscopy is scheduled for Nov. 5, right around the time when I would be getting my period, and I don’t want to worry about being pregnant at that time. Not to mention that with our upcoming trip to Africa, we can’t afford to delay the lap any further. The idea of taking a break actually feels surprisingly good.

These days I am a lot busier, what with a new contract that keeps me busy two days a week, plus teaching, plus thesis-related work, plus preparing a sermon for three weeks from now. It helps to be busy, but I still feel a general, light layer of sadness (kind of like a light grey blanket) draped over me a lot of the time. More when I get up in the morning. I was thinking about it this morning and realizing that this is not normal for me, but I have been feeling this way for several months now – probably since I got my endo diagnosis. I need to think about this, because I don’t want to get into a rut.

On a more positive note, I am excited about trying several different herbs after my lap to maximize my chances of conception. I’m seeing my RE next week and will run my plan by him just to be sure, although up until now he has said that he knows nothing about herbs at all (and doesn’t seem to believe they make any difference…). I’ll also ask a herbalist if I can find one. I’ve discovered a couple of great places where you can order organic herbs in bulk. Mountain Rose Herbs is one.  Closer to home, Herboristerie Desjardins is another. I’ll almost certainly continue taking Vitex throughout the cycle, EPO until ovulation. I’m also thinking about burdock (to help the liver clear the excess estrogen from the body), cramp bark and red raspberry (to tone uterus and help with inflammation), horsetail (to prevent the formation of scar tissue and keep existing scar tissue flexible), and echinacea for the immune system. By the way, this information comes from Mother Nature, but I have seen similar information on other websites. Have any of you had any results from using any of these herbs? I have certainly noticed less breast tenderness during LP, a longer menstrual cycle, and better CM since I started taking EPO and vitex a couple of months ago.

I am supposed to be writing a grammar test for my students, so I had better get back to that now…

12 dpo

So, thanks to Fertilit.yFrie.nd, I can overlay several charts over my current one. The yellow line is the current cycle. Tomorrow is the day where my temp either stays up, or it doesn’t. Cool, eh?

A very close friend of mine was just diagnosed with endo. She is understandably very shaken up. Being able to share this experience provides some comfort to both of us, I think. We even have the same RE. But of course, I so much wish she didn’t have to go through this at all. She is already dealing with other fertility issues, and this is another setback.

We prayed together this morning as we do regularly. In her prayer, she said she is not always sure of the point of praying. I could relate. My recent thinking has moved me to a different place on this issue. I have started to see prayer more as a realignment with reality than a forum for requests or an “audience with God”. Yet it is more than just personal therapy. Proclaiming what is true is an act of faith – an act God calls us to. It is done together with others in an alternative community. Some things we can proclaim about infertility : God is a good Creator. What he creates (including our bodies) is beautiful. He does not delight in our suffering. He suffers with us. We can trust his good intentions for our lives.

At 12 DPO I’m having some watery CM. I read somewhere that this was a sign of a pre-AF estrogen surge. May it not be true! Otherwise, I feel fine; great mood, no pain or cramps, just a stronger sense of smell and a more sensitive appetite than usual (but usual pre-AF). Oh well. We’ll see soon enough.

10 dpo

Tender nipples, bbs beginning to be sorer, frequent sore/bruised feeling in right ovary area, and heightened sense of smell. Nothing I haven’t experienced before except the nipple sensitivity. Usually, bbs are sorer by now. Also, I’m pretty irritable and fragile-feeling!

Communion

We took communion for the first time today with our community “church”. I felt uptight during the beginning of the service. Being one of the organizers made me more attentive to every little rustle and whisper. I was distracted what I saw as negatives – why hadn’t we thought of something more child-appropriate? Why were M’s words sounding so sermon-like? When we got closer to communion, I started getting seriously nervous. M wasn’t telling people clearly enough NOT to participate if they weren’t ready. He wasn’t explaining the gospel clearly enough. People would feel forced, tricked into participating in a ritual that they didn’t really want to participate in. This would be the beginning of the end of our group. All the care we had taken to not push people into the church would be for nothing… S brought out a tray of wine. While the bread and wine started to circulate, something almost imperceptibly started to change in me. There was lots of whispering, rustling, explaining, and disorganization. A spent time making sure that both of his young sons were ready to participate in this symbol. Little pieces of sentences made it to me: “Do you know who Jesus is?” The boys very solemnly took pieces of bread and wine. In the meantime DH passed me bread with the word “Jesus died for you, A”. I was freed to let go of the stressed-out, busybody mindset of making sure everyone was served just so. I served bread to a neighbor with the words “Le corps de Christ a été brisé pour toi.” M reminded us that Communion was a feast, a celebration. I saw L and N taking bread and wine, and knew that they were old enough to decide for themselves whether to partake. Suddenly I was full of happiness to be sharing in this feast. I could see the joy on the faces of others. It was a short moment, but in that moment Jesus was there with us.

8 dpo

I thought it would be fitting to post my chart, making the most of the last day of my FertilityFriend trial. It took me a long time to figure out how to do it, so that will be all I post for now…

5 dpo

It’s a grey, chilly fall day. I do most of my work at home, so at the moment I’m sitting at my computer, traffic starting to pick up just outside the window (we live on a busy street) and a pot of green tea beside me. I’m juggling three jobs at the moment: teaching an English class once a week, working 15-20 hours per week researching the grammar of African languages for a company producing text messaging software, and trying to finish the translation of my Masters thesis into French. I try to focus on a single task on a given today, so today, Tuesday, is thesis-day. I am just under a thousand words away from being finished with my first translation attempt. Considering that I’ve been working on this off and on for almost exactly a year, and that there are about 25000 words to translate in total, I am very pleased to have gotten this far! Tomorrow, my challenge will be to finish marking my students’ first writing assignment (a persuasive paragraph) and to think of creative ways to convince them that my marking is not unfair: their writing just sucks!

In two-week-wait news: after very good timing this month, I am a little more attentive than usual to every little twinge. I definitely felt ovulation this month. I’ve also been feeling funny twinges and pulling feelings in my pelvic area, and my nipples have been slightly tender (not my breasts). I’ve been somewhat irritable. Creamy CM. My busy subconscious has also been sending me interesting dreams at O day, 1 and 2 dpo.  The only way I can interpret these dreams is as “you’re not pregnant” or “you don’t really want to be pregnant”. For example, in one dream I tried to reconnect with an old friend who has always insisted that she doesn’t want children. The friend resisted my efforts to reconnect, saying I live too far away and it isn’t realistic for us to be close. In another dream, I was trying to escape from a large house where I was being imprisoned. I had successfully bound and gagged the guard and was just about to make a run for it when I heard the owners of the house coming back. Time stopped as I heard their car door slam and their footsteps approaching. Suddenly, I was looking at myself from a distance and saw that I carried a baby in my arms. My overwhelming feeling was disappointment that I could no longer flee because the baby would weigh me down too much. I realized that I would be stuck in that house for at least several months, feeding and taking care of the baby and not able to think about escape.

Although my tendency is to dismiss Christiane Northrup’s claims about infertility out of hand (see some reviews here), I have to wonder whether there are some attitudes toward my own fertility that I should be exploring more carefully…

Is it safe?

As we break the news to family and friends about our upcoming assignment in the DRC, we get a variety of reactions. Some are blissfully ignorant of years of war that have ravaged Congo, the ongoing conflict in the eastern part of the country and the political instability and social chaos that continue (from what we hear) to predominate. For them, going to Congo is like going to any other African country, and so far we haven’t felt the need to fill them in (after all, why cause unnecessary worry?). Others, however, ask hard questions.

Recently, a good (and well-informed) friend of mine was sharing her preoccupation for my safety in Congo. Isn’t Congo the country where rape as a weapon of war has reached atrocious levels? Yes. See these BBC photos for some background.

Although we will be living in the more secure western part of the country, knowing that thousands of women are being abused in the same country preoccupies me. As a white Westerner, I will be quite well-protected (or so I’m told), but as a Christian, how can I live in solidarity with sisters and brothers who are suffering when I am completely insulated from risk? At the same time, how will I handle the breathtaking scale of human suffering around me without becoming hard and unfeeling as a way to insulate myself from the despair?

This Sunday in church we were singing songs of dancing and rejoicing: songs that proclaimed “C’est la fête pour le peuple de Dieu… dansez, chantez, peuple de Dieu” or “Il y a de la joie dans la maison du Seigneur”. This kind of song sometimes irritates me, as it seems to encourage us to ignore the real suffering that many of God’s people face. However, as I sang, I thought about a photo I had recently come across, of Congolese women who had recently received reconstructive surgery after violent rape so that they could be freed from severe pain and incontinence. On the photo (see it here), the women’s faces are alight with joy. They dance with breathtaking exuberance. Somehow, this gesture of goodness in the midst of blackness gives hope. Somehow, God is there, manifesting himself, causing a riotous party to break out. When we sing “C’est la fête pour le peuple de Dieu”, this is what we are singing about. The church proclaims that God does intervene, there is reason to celebrate, and the violence and evil that surrounds us is not the end of the story. I suspect that my sisters in Congo have the kind of faith that I can only begin to imagine. It takes faith to start dancing and rejoicing after an operation that can never fully heal the trauma of rape. Part of me is terrified, but I want to learn more about this.